That explains why it's easier to find a gift for a co-worker or a neighbor than for the person who uses your toothbrush by mistake. It also explains why so many couples are tempted to just ditch the holiday gift thing altogether and give to charity or splurge on an expensive dinner out — a plan that inevitably comes home to roost months later when someone issues a complaint of the "you never get me anything" variety.

Of course, there's always the option of getting our loved ones something they actually need. But in relationships, such holiday gifts may be warnings that the giver intends to dump the recipient sometime around Jan. 1. It's through these sorts of transactions that, over the years, things like meat thermometers, cellphone chargers and the latest version of "Quicken" have come into my possession. But even when relationship termination is not imminent, a useful gift seems to contradict the entire purpose of holiday giving. (This is one reason why it's so satisfying to buy gifts for kids. Not only do they have wish lists as detailed as the federal tax code, there's never anything they actually need — string beans or a rubella shot, for instance — on that list.)

Shopping for one's partner gets blown even further off course by the phantom gusts of Valentine's Day. As with that dreadful holiday, one must at least nod in the direction of romance, and yet standbys like flowers and Mylar balloons don't cut it at this time of year.

As a result, we take what is at once the most selfish and sanest course of action: We leave our loved one out of the equation and seek merely to please ourselves. Hence the never-to-be-worn cashmere sweaters and the kind of lingerie that gives many women a rash just looking at it. I also suspect this accounts for every bottle of Old Spice ever sold.

So what do to? Judging from the study, our best bet might be to forget our notions about our partner and shop exclusively for Person X, whose taste in bedroom furniture is apparently easier to figure out. Then again, successful relationships are all about denial. Person X might be entitled to his or her opinions. But real love means knowing how to ignore them.